Category Archives: Suicide

Only Child looks at stress facts and fables

Only child contemplates the ramifications of stress

Only child contemplates the ramifications of stress

Stress, stress – it’s making us sick. Too much stress can lead to heart attacks, strokes and now studies add dementia to the list. Stress-soothers claim stress is all in our perspective, as if seeing all the stuff shoved at us in life will not cause us any stress if we only see it all as what? Good happenings? Blessings?

I think not. No matter what your perspective on a stressful event or occurrence, it is still coming at you. Attitude won’t make it suddenly disappear. And the idea that God only gives us as many crosses as we can each bear is a myth. Look at how stressed out most people are. Look at all the problems in the world. Etc., etc., etc. You can change your attitude until cows come home on roller skates and the problems are still there until you solve them.

I am living (at this point in time) proof of that. Just when I was trying to learn to relax, lessen the load of work and other commitments I carry (the delete and delay method), I get hit with way too many more stressful situations. The worst part is I didn’t cause any of them. Never mind who or what is responsible. The point is all these problems have come at me and some keep returning. Here’s a partial list of what I’ve been dealing with since the beginning of 2015.

  1. The Rogers Cable TV service disruption business – on and off since Dec. 31 actually. It took eight service calls before a senior technician finally found the problem – a line problem on a cable outside on a pole. Something I had already figured out. But I’m not a technician; I’m only the customer.
  2. The life insurance premium problem – back again this year. The insurance company that took over the one that originally handled my life insurance has a weird way of dealing with premium increases. This policy was set up for increased premium payments as you get older. Yes, not the best type of policy, but I can live with that. I can’t live with the company’s procedure – instead of sending you a notice of payment increase a month or so before your new fiscal year (mine starts August 1) and then increasing the premiums afterwards (I pay quarterly) they send you a letter about it six months into your fiscal year and if you don’t pay the full increased amount for the rest of that year, your policy can lapse. So I made several calls to the company – the call centre person, Jennifer, was useless so I took it higher up. Unfortunately I was dealing with problem No. 1 and No. 3below, so there was a lapse of a few weeks before I did this. But supposedly it got all straightened, and as instructed I sent this next quarterly payment with the added amount. That was supposed to settle it. Yesterday I got a letter that my policy had lapsed. Another frantic phone call to the company. The officer there who supposedly fixed it said that once they received my payment (in the mail since Friday) my policy would be reinstated. It better be or I’m naming the company in a future blog post.

 

Isn’t that bad business procedure?

 

  1. The weather – January wasn’t bad – despite hating winter with a passion, I could live with it. Just a few days of somewhat cold weather and a bit of snow, most of which managed to melt. Not February – it will be the coldest February in southern Ontario since 1978. But also lots more snow. I know not as bad as the Maritime provinces, but bad enough with the extreme cold and snow combination to cause ice jams on one side of my roof and in the downspouts going down from that side, as well as water leaking and freezing out the join in the downspout extensions. I now have to get that fixed plus get more insulation put in my attic. So I will have to go into my meagre savings to pay for that. I’ve asked my ex to pitch in to help, but I figure after I also do my income taxes and pay that, my savings will be very close to non-existent.
  2. So financial worries – hey I’m a senior and most of my income is government seniors’ pensions with a bit of alimony and editing and writing income thrown in. The only upside here is my hydro bill at least has gone down down since I kicked the boarder out. And I don’t think the paltry amount she paid (she was on welfare so social services had her “rent” set at a fixed amount) would help with No. 3.
  3. Health and injuries –maybe should be up at the top of the list. My son fell – he missed a stair at the subway station last Thursday evening – and sprained his ankle. Friday he couldn’t walk, but thankfully the ankle is almost healed and he can now walk. Me? My on-and-off again phlegm in the throat has gotten worse. Because of other health issues I have a compromised immune system and each winter get some respiratory-related thing (last year it was two months of swollen glands – something I hadn’t had since I was a kid). And the stress makes some of these other health issues worse.

 

I could go on and on. But I’ll end with a link to the study that links too much stress in middle-aged women leading to more dementia when they get older. http://www.alzinfo.org/articles/midlife-stress-may-increase-dementia-risk/

I am past middle age but I had a long list of stress in my life then.

 

And I don’t think forgetting all your problems in dementia is the answer. Dementia has its own problems for those who get it and their family and friends.

 

Makes you not want to live a long life, doesn’t it?

 

Cheers.

 

Sharon A. Crawford

 

Only Child Writes

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Filed under Health, Heart Disease, Old Age, Only child, Problems, Sharon A. Crawford, Snow, Suicide, Weather, Winter Weather

Only Child looks at dying with dignity

Only Child contemplates death and dying

When I was 16 I announced to my parents, “People should have the right to commit suicide if they wish.” The silence around the kitchen table echoed the shocked looks on my Mom’s and Dad’s faces.

What did I expect? We were all Catholic. Back then in the grey ages, the Catholic Church didn’t even bury suicides in consecrated ground. That has now changed.

So has the law on suicides. Did you know that in Canada it used to be a criminal offence to commit suicide? Of course you had to survive the suicide to be charged. Kind of ironic if you didn’t actually commit the deed you were charged. I know there is still a criminal charge of attempted murder of another person but that’s murder.

I’m talking assisted suicide here. And my views on suicide have changed somewhat since my pronouncement at the dinner table.

Lately, there has been a lot in the news about dying with dignity and assisted suicide. In July, the Supreme Court of British Columbia ruled physicians who help terminally ill patients who request assisted suicide should be exempt from the Criminal Code section referring to “aids or abets a person to commit suicide” The BC court gave a one-year moratorium to its decision so Parliament could rewrite the current law. Read more about it at http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2012/07/13/pol-cp-federal-appeal-assisted-suicide.html  The advocate and main plaintiff here was BC resident, Gloria Taylor, who had ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). The court granted her an exemption from the current law for a year.

Almost 10 years ago another advocate for assisted suicide, Sue Rodrigues, again dying from Lou Gehrig’s Disease and again in British Columbia was not granted her wish for assisted suicide (Sue Rodriguez v. The Attorney General of Canada and the Attorney General of British Columbia). However, Rodrigues had her doctor-assisted suicide. The doctor’s name was never revealed and no charges were laid against him or her. Read about it (with references) at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodriguez_v._British_Columbia_%28Attorney_General%29

Shortly after the June 2012 BC Supreme Court decision, the Federal Parliament appealed to revoke this law. And Gloria Taylor died this month– from natural causes – an infection.

Except for perhaps abortion, controlling our last days on earth (as much as we can; we can’t control getting murdered) is the biggest issue evoking passion on both sides of the fence.

My take is the individual who has either a terminal illness and/or who is suffering from a debilitating illness should decide whether to live or die. And for those of you thinking it is God’s will whether we live or die and even when we live or die, ask yourself the question “ Have you ever heard or read about anyone saying that a murder or fatal car accident is God’s will?” Shouldn’t this aspect apply to terminal/debilitating illness as well? For example, doesn’t a lot of whether a person with cancer or heart failure dies on the operating table or not have something to do with the surgeon’s skills and the patient’s condition?

The individual’s choice means if the individual wants to keep on living as long as possible, then so be it. Give the person all the medical and emotional support needed. But if he or she wants to end life when things go from bad to worse – but aren’t in any condition to do so – then assisted suicide by a medical doctor should be allowed with appropriate guidelines and it must be stated by the ill person in a Living Will, etc. (when they can still do so) that this is his or her wish. We don’t want a greedy offspring with Power of Attorney signing Mom or Dad up for assisted suicide just to get his inheritance. But do we want someone kept on life support who doesn’t want to be because that is the way it is done medically and legally?

I no longer think that anyone who wants to kill himself should be allowed to do so. If a person is depressed he or she should be helped and supported (and not to die). Having had a cousin in his late 30s kill himself and also attempting suicide myself thirty years ago when I was depressed has made me see some light here. I had little support (except a shrink) back then (postpartum depression blew up into a full depression if you must know) and I think with more support I might have never tried to go to the other side. Just lucky here as I miscounted the number of pills that would do it and I called a distress centre. But that’s another topic for another post. My depression wore off when another illness hit – migraines. Today it’s anxiety and worry I deal with, not depression.

What I do think is if I’m terminally ill or have Alzheimer’s I don’t want to stick around to the bitter end with all the pain and suffering to get there – not just mine, but my family’s. But I want to live as long as the quality of my life is still good. I’ve already appointed my son as Power of Attorney if my health gets to the point where that is needed. And as my lawyer told me, the POA only puts the person in charge of your health. You (I) have to specify what the POS person must do. I have – in a Living Will which I gave my son and in a talk I had with him and his girlfriend/partner.

In a nutshell, figure out what you want to do about your death and dying (and that includes funerals, burials, or not, etc.) – do all the legal paperwork and let your family know your wishes – verbally and in writing. My lawyer has also told me about visiting dying clients in the hospital where family members argued about whether to pull the plug or not.

Now we need governments to do the right thing and give people the choice.

Comments?

Cheers.

Sharon A. Crawford

Only Child Writes

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Filed under Assisted Suicide, Death and Dying, Dying with Dignity, Family, Health, Only child, Sharon A. Crawford, Suicide

Only Child uses fiction to deal with life’s pain

Only Child reading one of her short stories

If you are writing a memoir/considering writing a memoir, but something in your life is too painful or might cause grief for you and your family, try writing it as a short story. Perhaps you or some other family member has an incurable disease. Perhaps you are dealing with a parent with dementia. Writing about a painful situation, even transformed into fiction, can be a healing catharsis, but it can also turn into the most powerful story. Almost anything is fodder for fiction. Just make sure it is fiction.

I do this. One short story evolved from a family member’s (not immediate) unexpected suicide. No way did I want to add to our family grief, but maybe I had some survivor guilt. I was also a suicide survivor (from 30 years ago) and for five years volunteered at a telephone distress centre.

The short story that evolved changed everything except the suicide fact and one character’s volunteering at a distress centre. The characters were younger, brother and sister, and the story was told from the sister’s point of view. It started with her big brother’s suicide and then went back to their life, including growing up with a mother who was an alcoholic and verbally abused her children. This definitely was not the situation in my family. In my story, the sister was filled with guilt and she felt that she should have been able to stop her brother, especially as she was volunteering at a telephone distress center. I made up the name of the distress centre and what “happens” at the fictional distress centre did not happen with my actual volunteering. For those interested, the story “My Brother’s Keeper” was published in the Canadian Authors Association Toronto branch anthology, Gathered Streams (Hidden Brook Press, 2010). Check out http://www.canauthorstoronto.org/anthology.html.

So, if you want to create fiction from fact, here are a few pointers about what to do/what not to do.

  1. Use only the incident/event as your idea to kick-start your story. The story must be fiction.
  2. Use fictional characters and events, not the actual people or their names. It’s best to have characters with different age brackets and different backgrounds than in real life.
  3. Change the setting, perhaps even the time line.
  4. Use your emotions to propel you forward, but also keep in mind that this must be fiction. You are using your emotions from the real happening to help you dig deeply when writing your story.
  5. As this is fiction, you can have a different outcome than the one connected to the real-life trigger event. Just make sure that the outcome works with the story.
  6. Make sure the story is fiction. I can’t emphasise this enough. Real life (mine) incident – one of my cousins blasted me for writing true stories about the family history. However, she said she wouldn’t mind fictionalized accounts. I’m not going to take that at face value. Readers have the knack for finding themselves or someone they know in fiction, even when it isn’t true. But we do absorb what happens in our life. And that is often the trigger for story ideas.

For another take on writing fiction from fact, check out Writing Truth or Fiction http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/truth-or-fiction.html The author here actually used a real character in her novel. And so do other authors. Here’s another take on this http://www.thebookladysblog.com/2009/08/26/writing-real-people-into-fiction/

For those of you in the Toronto, Ontario, Canada area, I’ll be teaching a Crafting the Short Story Workshop at the Runnymede Branch of the Toronto Public Library, Tuesday, March 6, 6.30 p.m. It’s free. You just need to sign up at the library. Check this one out at http://www.torontopubliclibrary.ca/programs-and-classes/categories/book-clubs-writers-groups.jsp and click on “Runnymede.”

Cheers.

Sharon Crawford

Only Child Writes

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Filed under Family, Fictional characters, Healing through writing, Memoir writing, Only child, Pain, Sharon Crawford, Short story writing, Suicide, Toronto writing seminars, Writing fiction from fact

Only child has two stories published in anthology

Two stories published in this CAA Toronto branch antholog July 2010

At first glance my two stories just published in an anthology have little to do with the memoir I’m writing except the theme – death. The death of my parents looms in my memoir as that is part of its focus – growing up an only child in the 50s and 60s when your dad is dying of cancer and when he’s gone, it’s mom’s turn. In Gathered Streams, the Canadian Authors Association Toronto branch  anthology hot off the press from Hidden Brook Press  there is something connected to death in each of my stories. As I said when reading at the Book Launch July 18 at Toronto’s Bar Italia, “Both my stories are about death. One is actually in a cemetery. I chose to read from the more serious one.”

And that’s where my stories steer somewhat away from the memoir’s theme. The title alone of the short story tells you that – “My Brother’s Keeper.” The story is about a twenty-something woman, Claire, dealing with her older brother, Danny’s suicide. I’m not going to go into a big discourse, this post, on suicide, except to say that a cousin committed suicide and I attempted suicide over 25 years ago. However, after someone from a distress centre helped bring me back,  I decided to train for and volunteer for that telephone distress centre, which I did for five and a half years. These facts put together gave me the story idea but it is not about me or my cousin. What I find interesting was getting into the head of a woman who isn’t an only child and who has a very dysfunctional mother. I don’t consider that my late mother was dysfunctional – but she certainly was an eccentric character. So was my dad and maybe more so.

My other story in the anthology is a personal essay – a humourous look at how I felt taking pictures in the dead of winter (any pun intended) in a cemetery. And this one is all true. I have the photos to prove it. But again it shows how things can evolve from a certain premise. I went to the cemetery with the intention of photographing unusual gravestones. I did some of that but also got mesmorized by the trees in the cemetery. And I had to overcome my feelings of  “I shouldn’t be here doing this; it’s disrespectful” as well as deal with deep snow (it was February) hardened by an ice storm a few days before.

So where does all this hook in with being an only child? I think it shows that as an only child you have to develop some resilence; you have to move yourself forward to do things, often without support from others, certainly no siblings or in my case as an adult – no parents. Not all only children do this.  However, having siblings doesn’t guarantee support or even making and keeping many friends. I know one woman with several siblings who isn’t really close to any of them – at least from what she’s told me. She also hasn’t developed a network of friends and other support in her life, whereas I have – not overnight, but over the years.

And that may be the bottom line – what you have inside you helps determine how you fare in this life. But that’s fodder for a future post.

Go check out Gathered Streams at http://www.canauthorstoronto.org/anthology.html

Cheers.

Sharon

Onlychildwites

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Filed under Book launch, Death and Dying, Hereditary, Literary Readings, Only child, Only child memoir, Suicide